Dreams

Must be another birthday blues... My 27th birthday is coming really soon and I got no plans at all. My friends have already been sending in "feelers" but heck, I got work that day and may be we would push through with our plans on Friday night in MetroWalk.

Just have been thinking lately. Especially at night, on my way home when the bus would wait for possible riders in Ayala... Hmmm... Am I contented with my life so far?

The answer is: Yes! I am very contented with my present situation so far. Other people may be complaining but I am very much happy with where I am right now and of what I have!

I understand them, though. Eversince I was a child, I met a lot of people who dreamed for me.

My father dreamed of me becoming a lawyer because he was convinced that I was great at debates and alibis.

My mother dreamed of me becoming a nurse -- to fulfill her frustration of becoming one herself.

My sisters dreamed of me marrying someone rich and famous and a genius because they thought I could hook myself to one who is rich-and-famous-and-a-genius.

My elementary teachers dreamed "something big" for me because they thought I have the potentials...

My high school teachers dreamed even "bigger" for me because they thought I have mastered my potentials well.

When I graduated college, my mother and sisters dreamed of me joining them in the US because they thought I have the tools (being an RN) and whatever it needs to get a US visa.

My fans back in pageant days dreamed for me to become a star or a beauty titlist of a prestigious beauty pageant such as Bb. Pilipinas someday.

My fans in journalism dreamed with me when I wanted to become a famous journalist...

My fans in dancing dreamed of me becoming a member of "Sexbomb"...

Many of the mothers in our town dreamed of making me their "daughter-in-law"...

Hahaha! Countless dreams from different people...

But have I truly thought of what I wanted to become? No... Because I was so busy minding other people's dreams for me. I was very busy listening to them and trying to make some of those dreams come true. And I became lost because their dreams confused me and on my way to fulfilling them, I realized they were not what I wanted!

So what do I want? Heck, I'm getting another year older and I am not yet sure. One thing is sure though, I think I have found my dreamed-of "one true love" along the way...

And so far, I am contented just finding him and being with him. And it doesn't really matter where I am and what I have as long as I have him and I'm with him. I am happy! My heart says I am happy!

As for my other dreams? I still have to make up my mind on so many things. One of these days, I might make a list to finalize everything. Afterall, it's never too late to dream!

But for now, I am busy making one of my dreams come true: becoming a mother!

What's In A Name?

My birth name is Louella. Bellewitch is only a pseudonym I use in campus journalism. My other pseudos are Storme, Luningning, Phoenix, Lyka Balm Paxe and Eyewall.

Have you ever wondered what your name would have been if it wasn't what it is now? I did. Well, when my mom got pregnant with me, she immediately decided to name me Jennifer. My dad had a different name in mind. He wanted to name me after his mom, Benigna. But my sister, Merce wouldn't let my dad name me Benigna so she gave my dad a newspaper to search for a suitable name for me. My dad read an article about this famous journalist named Louella Parsons so he named me after her. Isn't it coincidental that I became a journalist like her? Huh!

Although, I only had 3 syllables in my name, I get a lot of nicknames from my family, friends, foes, and acquaintance. Generally, my nickname is Ella.

However, my mom and sisters call me Langga or Palang (short for palangga), meaning, 'beloved'. Maybe because I'm the youngest and a dear to all! My dad calls me Maru (short for marunong) 'cause he claims I'm a genius because I started learning really young. At age 3, I could already count, read and write. At age 5, I already enrolled myself for grade one, solved simple math problems and wrote cursive using a ballpen! My only brother gave me the name, Belle (french for beauty) because he says I'm beautiful inside out.

My childhood friends simply call me Lang, maybe a shortened form of Langga or Elang, another version of Ella.

During high school, my short nickname, Ella was really helpful in making me win in school politics. It's short, it's catchy but maybe I had the impressive platform and speech that's why I won. My closest friends called me "Weng", "Wel" or "We" from the middle syllable of my full name.

When I was in college at UST, my UNO Iskolar-mates baptized me with a new nickname, Lulu. It's modern, yes it's true. But I wasn't very comfortable using it so it didn't last long. Some of my classmates at UST called me "Pops" from my last name.

When I moved to WMSU, I was back to Ella at first. Then, I joined a friendship group of four. We were notorious and really nasty, we called ourselves BOO! Actually, the name came from our blood types but it connotes scaring other people and we love the attention. We decided to call ourselves scary names as well: Rose was Freak, Liza was Creep, Edel was Spook and I, Witch. They also had their nicknames spelled backwards: Esor, Azil, Lede. It was difficult for me to decide which nickname I should read backwards: Ella (Alle), Lulu (Ulul--imagine?), so on... Then I met this girl named Athika who loves to call me Louie. When I read Louie backwards, it sounded unique! Eiuol (read eyewall) became a hit pseudo for me as well.

My bf for 8 years used to call me Mahal; sometimes, Langga; and at one point, Isda (when I was calling him Bingwit). Such cute teenybopper terms of endearment...

Remembering a Great Man

My father died on December 28, 2001 - Innocents' Day. Barely three days after christmas, and four days of being out from a private room at Zamboanga Doctors' Hospital...

I wasn't at home when the tragedy happened. I went to our hometown, Naga to spend the rest of the holidays there. See, my eldest sister and I had an argument and I left to prevent anymore confrontation with her. When my sister was scolding me, I could see my father protesting from the side of my eyes. And when I kissed him goodbye, I had no idea it was going to be the last time I will kiss him, he held my hand so tightly, not letting go... But then, I followed my stubborn instinct and left anyway...

My father had been bedridden for a year and a half before he died. His memory and physical strength deteriorated when he experienced a severe stroke. It was difficult for me to handle that because I have been so attached to my dad, without being too aware of that fact.

I thought I hated his strict and sometimes even cruel ways of disciplining us. I thought I didn't like it when he throws some corney jokes at the dinner table...

I thought I hated him for repeating those lectures about life over and over that continuously would shrink my self-esteem.

I thought I hated his way of molding me into the person that I have become!

Now, I'm beginning to realize that the way I grew up to be has a greater influence at what values he had inculcated in me. And I'm grateful for all the teachings and the legacy he had left me with.

Remembering my dad...

I remember a spoiler who would save the leanest meat, the ever-sought-after bangus belly, the best seat at the dinner table and a space on his bed, all for his youngest daughter!

I remember a protector who prematurely lectured an 8 year-old girl about fornication, child abuse and std's with a warning not to allow those things to ever happen to her.

I remember a disciplinarian who believes that a fine lady is neither a glutton or a cleptomaniac and should be a virgin bride.

I remember a storyteller who told a various of humbling experiences. A dreamer who dreamt only of the best for his children!

Tay, I hope I didn't fail you. I remembered all your teachings and I try to live with your expectations.

Remember Mhark? We recently got married. Wish you were here to walk me down the aisle. I kept my word... I promised you I would marry a Tagalog. I'm proud to tell you that I offered myself to only one man, as you have always reminded me. I wrote a short story about Bok.. You would have been proud of me. It was published in our university magazine, along with all the articles I submitted. Well, I got my journalistic skills from you... Don't worry, I will continue to write. Too sad, though, now that I'm married, I would be changing my name and your name won't be reflected anymore in the byline. But don't worry, I would always associate your name with mine and it would make you happy just the same.

I miss you.. Now, I don't have someone to ask whenever I encounter new, unfamiliar words. I don't have someone to discuss politics and current events with. I don't have someone to share hot coffee with because Mhark isn't so fond of coffee... I will treasure all the lessons you taught me and all the memories we shared. I love you more than you ever knew... More than I ever knew!

It Runs In the Family

"A family of achievers..."

"Lahi ng matatalino..."

Our family is used to this kind of fame in our small town, Naga.
My father, Benny, did not finish high-school but he could beat even our school supervisor when it came to cleverness.

My mother, Mina, was a plain housewife after acquiring her 2-year associate diploma in Secretarial. Before reaching 40, she decided to go back to college to pursue a degree in Education and finished it with flying colors.

I grew up believing that superior minds are just either good in English or good in math. If you're good at neither, you're a moron. If you're good at both, then, you're a genius! Incidentally, all of us in the family can claim excellence in both subjects...

My mom and dad would often argue whose got the better genes. My mother would often flaunt her bachelor's degree and my dad would just smile at her. My mother even came up with a theory that 90% of a child's intelligence is inherited from the mother.

Well, whatever it is, no doubt that it's 100% a gift from God!

Our eldest, Reden, is a Math Wizard. He used to beat Engineering counterparts in Speed Math, Math Olympiads, etc. He was also a student leader (a consistent classroom president and was elected college student board president), a journalist and an activist. He was brilliant but his status as an anti-administration activist hindered him from getting to the dean's list and kept him underrated academically.

Next is Ate Merce. She graduated high school as valedictorian and finished college as cum laude. She was the most diligent student among us. She didn't have time for extra-curricular activities because she had to work while studying. But she could have been a great public speaker and a leader. She's good with numbers and she has a very impeccable command in English language. She is also the most level-headed among us. Bonus: she's a devout catholic. Her leadership skill is innate-- being able to boss around in her workplace and in our household and just recently, she was chosen president for the Singles for Christ - Los Angeles Chapter. Yes, she's still single!

Our sister, Cynthia, is a natural-born charmer. She was simple yet that didn't stop the boys from swooning her. She was a consistent honor student. And she was active in school programs as a host (EMCEE), a folk dancer, an orator, a declamer and a beauty contestant. Although in our circle, she was considered the "not-so-brilliant" one, she still manages to excel among her batch.

For me, Ate Leda has the most brilliant mind among us. She inherited our father's photographic mind and keen eyes for details. She's good in history and current events. She is my mentor in English. We share the same passion in journalism. She is more enclined in technical writing and essays while I am more into the fictitious creative side. She won the citywide essay writing contest and the quiz bee that landed her in local newspapers. She has good leadership skills and another thing I envy about her is that she has a lot of luck when it comes to lottery!

Me? I'm just lucky because my siblings had already made an impression in the community that it wasn't that difficult for me to get the chance to prove myself. All I just needed to do is feed their expectations and boom... I became a sensation!

I was a daddy's girl. I spent my childhood being my father's shadow. One thing I won't forget that my father said:

"As a child, you are always associated with me. People would see you and they would say, "Oh, that's Louella, Bayani's daughter." But you know what would make me proud? That one day, people would see me and they would say, "That's Bayani, Louella's father!" That means you have already made a place in the sun.

My father taught me a lot in life. I started really young because of him and of Ate Leda. At 3, he taught me things that a normal 5th grader wouldn't learn yet. I was advanced... People in our town would say I was a "gifted child" and that would make my father happy. But he was so good at concealing his feelings. There were times that he would make us feel like we were not good enough. Later, he explained that he was just challenging us to strive better and hit perfection.

Our dad taught us the importance of integrity and the nobility of a humble and kind heart. He wasn't religious but he saw to it that we went to church every Sunday. He was a disciplinarian. He always challenged us that a naturally intelligent person could balance household chores and school responsibilities.

My mother, on the other hand, was the very supportive persona in our home. Although she taught us to be independent when it came to studies and project-making, she was always willing to lend a hand when she felt like we could not handle it anymore. She taught us to be responsible for our own actions and she trusted us big time. It's very seldom that she meddles with our problems. She told us that she believed we could handle it well on our own.

Another persona who has made a big impact in my growing years is my Ate Merce. I was always a whiner/complainer and would blame circumstances for my shortcoming. She would tell me:

"If you are doing something, make sure to make the best out of it. Even if you were just forced to do it, still, give your best. In the end, the result of what you did would still be reflected on you. If you didn't give your best because you don't like what you're doing, people will say, "Ella sucks!"

These influences in my life made me who I became today... It might be true that it runs in the blood but it isn't all about genes. According to human development, it is 50% nature and 50% nurture. I am just so thankful that I belong to a family who molded me and have raised me well!