Question

I started my day checking my friendster for new messages, new comments and new friend requests. I approved some friend requests and one new comment. Then, I read two new messages. One came from Carding, a former colleague at Convergys, who was asking me where I am working now. The other one came from a stranger who had this subject: QUESTION.

I curiously opened it, thinking it was another forwarded message that I will be dumping to the trash bin as soon as I see its content. But I was wrong...

It had a question: Are you really married? Because looking at your pictures, you look like single to me.

Initial reaction? Flattered. Then I started to become annoyed. Why? I often get this kind of comments from people who hardly know me. They immediately jump into conclusions by just basing on the way I dress myself. Some even think I'm easy because I somewhat look liberated for the standard of some.. Narrowminded little a**es!

I love to dress sexy. My husband has even gotten used to it already. It makes me feel good. But that's just all about it. No other motives about hooking up with some guys or whatever. I'm quite contended with the man I am with for more than 9 years now. Not looking for any other.

It's a nice feeling to be noticed, to be praised. But I don't let the air go up in the head. I treat appreciation from both males and females equally. So for those guys who think I'm easy -- try me! And for girls who think I'm slutty -- eat your hearts out! Nyahahaha!

Ouch!

Monthly period is one of the things that I dread and pray to miss but it really comes regularly. So when I got pregnant, I was ecstatic because it would save me 9 full months of menstrual cramps. But my ecstasy was cut short because after only three months of missed periods, I had them coming again. Less regularly this time but equally painful and dreadful.

I completely stopped taking medications because I developed dependency and tolerance. At first, one pill could kill the pain. After 6 months, I had to double my dosage because one pill isn't effective anymore. And half a year after, I needed three pills to achieve a pain-free day. And then, it started to become scary. I am becoming dependent to it. So I decided to tolerate the pain as much as I could and resort to home remedies like hot compress and no-salt diet. It worked for a while but then the pain grew more and more intense.

Now, in the middle of the class, I felt intensity 10 of that pain. So I decided to give in. Just one pill... I need it to be able to concentrate on my class...

And, viola! The pain was gone. I was able to go on with my ADL's like it was an ordinary day. No first days were! Hehe... Now, my only worry is that I might become dependent to these painkillers again. Addict! Whoah!

Saying Goodbye...

"See you next year, Mom! I love you. Take care of your health. Don't forget to apply the hot bag every time you can. Call me often..."

Two hours sleep. Five minutes more of physical touch. I just wanted it to last forever. I wanted to just stay there hugging my mom. Smelling her natural scent. Feeling her warm touch. I'm just loving the moment. And then, it was time to break free!

Going home was the hardest part. Finding the house empty.. Good thing I had to run some errands so it can buy me time. I wouldn't feel sad that much. I will be kept busy the whole day and throughout the night.

And so I enrolled my nephew at La Salle Zobel School til 12nn and rushed to the office for a 1pm meeting. Then worked til 11pm. Huh! I hadn't noticed the time. Sadness hasn't sinked in yet. My mind is just so tired to think after lacking sleep and having to spend an exhausting 21 hours!

After sleeping for six hours, I woke up the next day feeling so down. There it is... The feeling of emptiness again. I wonder until when I would have it inside..

I hate goodbye's. I always have. Whether I am the one going away or I am the one left, I feel the same weight of pain. The simple sight of an airplane can send me to tears without much effort.

Sometimes, I wonder why do we have to leave? Why can't we just stay? Why can't I just gather all the people I love, put them in one container and then bring them with me wherever I go without having to worry for their fare, etc? Absurd, huh? But that's just how I think.

Maybe I will outgrow this one. Maybe I won't..

BabyKillers: GTH!

I don't know how someone could come up with the idea that I could have killed my own child, in my womb.

My friends knew how I support the ProLIFE advocacy with my heart and soul. When people come to me to ask how to get rid of an unwanted child, I deliberately give them the name of a 'pampakapit drug' named duvadilan. The one I took for myself when my OBGyn told me that my baby wasn't holding on too well.

I abhor abortion more than a massacre. Because I feel for the innocent who is unable to protect his life. I feel for the angel who could have grown up into a fine young man. I feel for the blessing who could have completed a mother's life! I feel for the Creator who feels rejected for the gift He handed a parent who is not ready to face the consequences of his/her action.

So when I lost my child. I cried hard. Is this what I get for advocating against abortion since I was 10 years old? Why is it that other mothers, who hurt themselves intentionally just to get rid of the life in their womb, were still blessed to deliver a healthy and live baby? Why do I have to suffer the pain of losing a gift? Am I an unfit mother? Are my experiences with a nephew whom I mothered for four years still left me an unfit mother?

Upon analyzing all that has happened right after my miscarriage--the destruction of my relationships from three people who killed innocent babies--led me to realize that the loss was not for me to feel at all. It was for these babykillers. And God made sure that I break away from these people before I could have another baby--one whom I will deliver healthy and alive. A baby that these babykillers would not enjoy as their own.

Hah! The realization didn't come early. Had I known that He was just preparing me for the perfect situation, I would have not shed tears for the loss of these unworthy people. I would have celebrated for every minute of it as I am now. Once realization hit me, I was able to enjoy my life better. I get to live life fuller.

And so babykillers, you can now rot in hell for all I care! I'm not hating, I'm just so happy that you're all out of the scene. I hope the babies don't haunt you in your dreams... They maybe too young to know... They may only be a blood to your eyes... But they have soul and in death, their eyes were opened! So, goodluck on own peace of mind!

Missing My Hometown...

JUST A THOUGHT:

I miss the laid-back life in the countryside though I have also learned to love the adrenaline rush in the city. I miss Naga, its people and the superstitions we used to see as "laws" that if we break them, we'll be doomed. I miss my innocence, my ignorance and my youth!

My innocence. Yes, in my whole stay in Naga, I was innocent the whole time. I haven't known a man's touch then. I had boyfriends but I didn't get intimate with any one of them. {Hahaha! As if there were a lot of them! I only had two past bf's.} Another point of innocence. Back then, I chose not to mind the people who sabotaged me or those who spread bitter gripes about me. I believed in the principle: What you don't know won't hurt you. So it was my friends and allies who took the battle for me because I chose not to fight back against these detractors. When I transferred to Zamboanga, I only had myself to turn to. I didn't bring along my fans with me, you know. And these chavacano bullies really unleashed the little monster in me. Haha! That's when I learned to be vigilant of the people around me. I wanted to protect myself from these bullies who were good at backbiting as well as face-to-face slandering. So, I let go of my innocence and ignorance.

When I was in Naga, I was too trusting. Since we know everybody in the neighborhood, there is no reason to be cynical and paranoid. We know we could trust our neighbors. But that's not the thing in the city. The people who always show their nice sides could only be putting on a show. So I learned to be careful, cynical and sometimes, paranoid. I opened my eyes and ears, and I always wear an alert mind even in sleep.

My youth... I miss it. I was active in the academic subjects, in extra-curricular activities and I still had time for friends and church. That's because there were no tv's, no laptops, no malls and no traffic jams to waste my time on. There are only my school, other schools, community projects, beauty pageants, and church organizations to be busy about. I could stay as late as 4am the next day and still manage to wake up as early as 7am, just in time to attend my classes. But now? I see to it that I get at least 6 hours sleep or I'd get foggy the next day. Technology and smog are really toxic to one's state of mind.

Although opportunities are endless here in the city, the amount of joy that the simple life of my hometown is incomparable. I wish I could spend at least 2 vacation weeks back in Naga by next year...

Genie, are you there? Can you please grant me this wish?

Another One Late Night...

It's nice to be missed! Veeya and I had another late night chit-chat at the Bulalo Stand in Boni. Up until past 1am... But this time she did all the talking, most of the time. Hahaha! I was adviced by my doctor not to talk too much. Imagine?! I CANNOT LIVE BEING COMPLETELY SILENT FOR ONE SOLID HOUR! Especially when I'm with chatty friends. I admit, I am not that good of a listener. I'm better at talking, talking, talking... Silence is just not my thing. So all these ideas flowing freely in my mind right now? Well, I put them into writing. But it's quite frustrating. My mouth is faster than my fingers. Ugh!

So a lot of ideas are still currently floating in the clouds of my thought. I wish I could pop them like balloons!

So please understand if I have some sort of flight of ideas these days. Because that will be in me until I completely get my voice back and the swelling of my throat stops and I can speak as much as I want again. Then I can go back to my old self with limited ideas hanging in my head because most of them were already spit out. I am so dreaming for that moment to come soon, more than anything else in the world right now!

Well, back to Veeya and mine's date. Hehe! Shoo-shoo homophobics. Hahaha! Seriously, Veeya really enjoyed the night because I didn't interrupt her at all --or did I? Maybe a fewer times than in the past nights. Hahaha! You know how a conversation between two wise girls could go from one topic to another. All of it interrupted at one point. Mind you, we do not recycle topics but it seems like we still have so much to talk about. Now, that's what you call a conversation!

One of our topics was about us both being addicted to blogging these days. She's currently conceptualizing a post with the working title: "Poisonous Sperm". It would be about "doing it" too early and destroying what could have led to "forever". Hehehe! So Vee thought of drinking the poison gradually to make her system numb that it couldn't harm her anymore. So I said that if it were only a virus, and not poison, then maybe we could apply the concept of vaccination--introducing a small amount of weakened or dead virus to get the system to produce antibodies so that when the body gets exposed to the real disease then it won't get sick anymore because it has produced enough antibody to fight the infection. So maybe we could change the title to "Viral Sperm"? Uh-oh! It doesn't sound good. So maybe we should stick with the original title. So how can you drink the poison and not get harmed by it? Here's what we came up with: an antidote. Right? Every poison has an antidote. So I hope that Veeya could figure out what that antidote is. I am so looking forward to reading her next post. Haha! I got it linked in this site. Please click: Veeya Melgazo under "SENSIBLE BLOGGERS".

Flattered...

I just checked my friendster account to see new posted bulletins, viewers meter, new friend requests, new comments and new messages.

I was surprised at what was waiting for me at this site. Although I am not happy with my viewers meter to-date, I have fewer visitors this month than last month. (Can you believe that my stats reached more than a thousand in March?) I think that that has something to do with my primary photo. Haha! Last month, I posted a more seductive photo of mine wearing a swimming attire. But now that I changed it into something where I was wearing a conservative outfit... Where have all the cowboys gone? Hehehe!

Now, the bulletin... I got somehow annoyed at first because one of my friends re-posted my personal post, "LETTING GO..." Hey, that's plagiarism! But upon having thought it through, I came up with rationalizations that led me to a feeling of flattery. I'm flattered, Nykki... Peace! Hehe! Maybe you thought that was a forwarded, re-posted article coming from a brilliant website or something. Hehe! That was me actually pouring out my latest feeling toward my in-laws. I'm letting go of the anger and resentment... I forgave... But didn't forget! Hehehe!

Then I checked out my new comments. Wow! (That's all I could say!) Well, read and see for yourself:

* ejay
* Posted 04/21/2008 11:30 pm
* Ei!bin waiting for ur next bulletin...pls. dont kip us waiting,marame kng reader d2.if i may reveal,hehe.la ng buhay ang friendstering,boring...my rgards to mark n ur family (if u cn as wel xtend my rgards to marks family,beter.bt am afraid 8s a nop.hehe..neweis,pls tel mark to upd8 me bwt hs status 4 bord exam...GOOD DAY AHEAD...ciao.

# Qurrataini
# Posted 04/21/2008 11:05 pm
# hello weng..

I am a nurse by profession but a journalist by passion and a teacher by vocation!

nice ang site. at least now, may isa pa akong pagkakaabalahan basahin this summer ^^ Journalist ngang dating ah! hehehe anyway... {have a nice day! -graphics}

O, di ba? This is the life!!! Hahaha!

Messages... Well, this was sent a few days ago, but it still lingers in my heart:

From: Jenifer
Date: 04/12/2008 6:31 pm
Subject: bulletins
Message: Hi der! I enjoyed reading the bulletins you posted. Interesting gad le!.. Ingatz. God bless

What a way to start your day, di ba? I feel like I'm a little Brian Gorrell... Hahaha! Maybe that's why I got hooked to his blog. Because I have been in his shoe. Even before he had been.

So, thanks for making me feel good today, guys! Now, here comes the pressure to feed you with bulletin posts regularly.. It's nice to know that a lot of people took notice of my writing. Thanks again!

I'm Back, Students!

Aaaaaw! It's so moving that some of my students really missed me!

Hanju, one of our problem studes, had logged in using my name. Haha! He had always been a pain in the neck. He loved messing up the screen, pressing the control key continuously when his mic was not working and clicking the laser pointer when it was being used by the teacher. He angered other students and wrote Korean characters--this is a big no-no!

One time, I logged in early. He was already in the cyber room, messing up the screen. When he saw my name appear, he typed, "uh-oh!" and a startled smiley. I told him to continue what he's doing since the class hasn't officially started yet. But once the class starts, I would have to clear the screen and he should stop drawing. He agreed. While he was drawing, I typed on the text box, asking him if he was tired. I know how some of my students were coerced by their parents to attend the class even if they were exhausted from school and the academy. The academy means the piano, flute, dance, taekwondo, ballet and many more lessons they have to take. Hanju didn't reply. I added, "Hanju, I understand that it's your exam time this week. All of you may be tired from studying but I want you to be considerate of your fellow students who want to learn, okay? I know you are a kind student but you are just tired. So I hope you would take a rest so that you would behave in our class. Is that possible?" He finally replied, "You are a very kind, Teacher Ella."

That did it. He hadn't bullied anyone in my class since. He would even give stars to everybody, including me. Wow, that's a transformation! After a week, I was transferred to another classroom that doesn't cater to him. He asked his new teacher where I was. Now, that's something.

Teaching is so rewarding especially if you put your whole heart to it. So the four days that I have been away felt like hell. I missed the kids... I missed the challenge... I missed editing our modules... (peace, module writers!) I missed my colleagues... And now I'm back!!! So welcome back, self!!! Hahaha!

Talkative?!

My voice was hoarse since March 23rd. The day after the Island Cove adventure with Mhark, Ato and Vee. I decided to have a check-up only last Tuesday. And the doctors noticed a lump on my neck. Now, that needs a lot of diagnostics first before we can be sure what it is. And I'm getting nervous. I really hated doctor's appointments. You'll never know what might be wrong with your body and it kinda scares me.

Anyways, back to how my voice got hoarse. When we were at the pool, I was able to gulp a lot of pool water (imagine the amount of urine I drank!?!) during the slide experience. You know how chlorine and urine can become corrosive to your throat. The next day, I got a sore throat and a mild fever. I didn't bother to self-medicate. I thought household remedies could do the tricks.

The following week had been stressful at work. There were so many students and we lacked teachers. So we had no break time and we had to open a lot more classrooms! So I was talking 9 straight hours with unruly students who keep messing up with the screen and writing Korean characters... Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

But I didn't want to take a leave because I know how it would affect the others teachers if I didn't report for work. There were times when my voice would get better and work was not that stressful. But when I'm close to healing, there goes another classroom crisis again! Oh, no!

And so, I had to have a voice rest for 3-5days. I'm on my 7th day and my voice is getting better. Tomorrow is another battle to face. I hope we have less stressful classes this time. Please! Just for one more week so that I can have my voice back!