I Was Humbled And I Feel Blessed!

These past few days, I've gone really quiet. I got really scared of myself because it's not my nature to be quiet even just for a day... I thought I was losing it...

I had so much to share to you, readers. There were pains and struggles. I wanted to defend myself from negative issues but I decided to just remain quiet. I have long accepted defeat.

Being silent did me good. It was a cleansing therapy for me. It's been a long time since I bit my tongue whenever I feel like confronting a situation. It's been a long time since I allowed people to trespass against me and never retaliate. It had to end, somehow.

I had become a fighter since I moved to the city. I guess I've long outgrown being meek. There were incidents wherein I realized that being humble and kindhearted would only encourage other people to bully me. Now, the weaker side of me has resurfaced. I never thought I had missed it.

It feels good to be submissive again. Submissive to God, my driver and navigator... Submissive to my husband, my co-passenger to whom God assigned me as a partner. Submissive to the greater force who knows to reward a humble heart and punish a proud one...

My Hero

Humbling experiences and losses are perfect instances to stop and re-assess myself, my relationships and sequences of events that happened in my life.

In the end, I realized that there's only one hero in my life - my very own self. I'm lucky though, I have a side kick who backs me up. ^-^

So, in the midst of a trial, the adversaries don't seem to affect me that much. They don't matter anymore. It's time to cut some strings to keep the important ties from breaking.

I admit that I can't have it all but at least I was able to keep a few -- those that really matter. And for me, they're enough...

Consistently Inconsistent

It's really hard to deal with people who are inconsistent. I think they're the most difficult people to live with. But there's no way I can run away from this sort of people. So I guess I have to stop running and face them squarely. That is the way to conquer!

One of the few things I really abhor are people who would resort to trickery just to save their asses. Excuse me for the language, but I'm making a point here. Well, we can't prevent people from being sneaky and deceitful especially if these traits are their way by nature.

This is always my fault: I trust easily. I give my all in everything I do. I put so much passion in something that I believe in. And then, I become exploited. Still, I wait patiently until the other party realizes it. And then, I speak up and would still give chances. One, two, three...

And that would be the end of it. The other party might think that it won, but it's actually at the losing end. The other party won't win any more of my respect and loyalty. Boom, the other party lost a supposedly loyal follower.

I am loyal. Too loyal, even to some people who've done me wrong. But everything has its limits. I am part of that everything. I hate it when I look inconsistent because of the consistent inconsistencies of the other party. #30

Why Is It So Hard To Let Go?

I submitted my resignation about a week ago. I didn't put any reasons for my "irrevocable" resignation. Why? I didn't want my superiors to adjust to those reasons and I will be obliged to stay because of that.

However, when I talked to our HR manager, she asked me what my grievances are. And thinking that I should at least share it before I leave the company, I told her. I said that the schedule they are giving me is just impossible. Four and sometimes five consecutive classes with no interruptions. How can I deliver well? Well, I was able to deliver, true... But I wanted to give my students quality classes and sensible reports. I am very perfectionist when it comes to having the job done and I feel that I can deliver better if I am given a manageable schedule.

A meeting was called among my superiors. They discussed about my impending resignation. And they learned about my grievance. Then they asked if my schedule was adjusted, would I stay? But I still have another issue. I don't feel like I'm paid enough.

I receive the same amount as some of my colleague who have less workload than me. They said that my assignment to a new account which requires more qualification is actually a promotion. That should have somehow set me apart from the rest. Not that I am being a braggart. I just feel that I am under appreciated. One former colleague even quit because of the demands of the account that we are both handling. And she's handling only one third the number of the students that I have. Imagine??? She was getting more than what I am getting!

Call me inconsistent but the closer I get to the date of the effectivity of my resignation, the harder it gets for me to let go of the job. My students, whom I have learned to love, are so hard to leave. And there's a proposition to adjust my schedule and lessen my load and negotiate for a raise. So I am staying. For now...

Promises. I'm holding on to them at the moment. I will give a time lag of two weeks to see if these promises would materialize. And until then, I will keep this thought on my mind, "Why is it so hard to let go?" Or is it really?

Just Thinking Aloud...

I want to get rid of them... But I can't. They've become more than just a part of me. Now, I'm losing control. The anger, can it really grow this huge? The pain, can it really eat me whole? A lot of people tell me to let go. Really let go... Beyond the motives... Not just for a show... But how? I don't know where to start and how to go about. Everytime I try to move on, something keeps holding on. This is greater than a moster. It's like a haunting, restless spirit whose got monsterlike capabilities and gigantic powers. I am losing again. And I'm so confused. Isn't it true that we actually win when we accept defeat? Why don't I feel victorious? Over and over, I feel the pain. It doesn't subside. How I wish I haven't known these cruel people who keep putting me through these miseries. Is it possible? Can a phoenix rise from the ashes twice? Will I end up victorious? Do good guys always win in the end? I can't lose hope. I must stick to my faith. I will win against these monsters. I will win against these cruel people. Justice is always served to the selfish, thoughtless people. I can almost smell vistory. I can almost taste it!

A Busy Weekend...

Got home at 12 midnight of Friday (technically, Saturday). But I was able to sleep at 2am because our neighbor had a drinking party. I could hear the noise of the drunkards from our bedroom. Luckily, it rained at 2am, so the noisy drunkards had no choice but to call it a night. I woke up at 6am. With barely 4 hours of sleep, I took a shower. It was cold and I was groggy but I kept of thinking I was doing it for my niece. I am attending a Parent-Teacher's Conference at her school since I stand as her guardian while her parents are abroad.

I didn't know I had to wear a green shirt. So, I was the only one in pink in the Kindergarten group. How's that for starters? I thought I'd have a lousy time at the conference but it turned out fun! The directress of the school prepared some games -- mind ticklers, my favorite -- after the presentation of expectations by the parents. And the parents were really friendly and nice and in no time, camaraderie among the group became very evident.

I kinda like the atmosphere at Vanessa's school. Hmmm, How I wish I was attending my own daughter's PTC... After a simple snack at 11am, the conference ended.

I went back to the condo and invited Vince and Vanessa out. We went to Storyland of Southmall. We've brought Vanessa there. So I'm guessing Vince would also like to try it. I guessed it right. Vince radiated with glee when we entered Storyland. I let him and Vanessa ride the roller coaster together. I told him to take care of his sister. And he did. ^-^ I was so happy!

We left the mall at 5pm because Vince had an appointment with the dentist. Mhark and I headed back to our place to see the movie Hancock. What a nice movie! I liked it!

Eventhough I lacked sleep, I was alert the whole time. We went home at 9pm. We had dinner and we went to bed right after.

The next day, Mhark woke me up at 7:30am because we had to buy food at the market. We prepared breakfast together (ginisang taugi), ate it and then, he let me go back to sleep because I was really sleepy. I woke up at 2pm. I prepared lunch for him and then, I cleaned my nails and applied nail polish on them. Right after, I cleaned the house. Not thoroughly, though. I will remember next time to do the cleaning right before having my nail polish on. ^-^

Then, we attended a mass. The priest's sermon was about "thanking and thinking". Hmm, I kinda realized I wasn't giving a lot to others. This should change.

Then, we just bought ice cream and used it as a spread of a tasty bread. Yummy! I didn't like the idea of eating ice cream with bread but when Mhark let me try it, it simply tasted delicious!

Then, I checked my e-mails, my friendster accounts and my blogsites. I wasn't decided yet what to write or update but it took me 3 hours just browsing around... So I slept at 2am. That's why I woke up late today...